As a young woman, you should be aware of why you are lied to about your virginity by the people you trust the most: your parents and relatives. They tell you that if you lose your virginity, you will never find a husband. That your virginity is your most precious possession. That if you lose your virginity, your bridegroom will surely notice on your first night together, return you the next morning, and bring shame upon your family.
All of this is nonsense. It is told to you for the same reason parents tell their unruly six-year-olds that if they don’t stop crying, the police will put them in jail. They tell you this so that they can control your behavior. They think the more they frighten you, the less risk there is that you will get pregnant before marriage.
Fact: the police do not put six-year-old children in jail because they cry.
Fact: if your virginity is lost, your bridegroom will never notice unless you tell him.
What is this virginity? If you think you are still a virgin, and if you are not afraid to do so, take a mirror and have a look.
Your vagina looks closed, but of course, it is not. This is obvious because your menstrual blood flows out of it. In many Western countries, virgins use tampons (often slender or light-absorbency ones). Tampons are cylindrical cotton plugs, about 3 to 5 centimeters long, which are inserted into the vagina during menstruation to absorb the blood. Virgins who use tampons do not lose their virginity from this.
This is because the vagina is very elastic, even in virgins, and the hymen (the tissue associated with virginity) does not completely cover the vaginal opening.
The hymen is simply a thin fold of mucous membrane at the edge of the vaginal opening. It is typically the same color as the surrounding vaginal tissue, rather than a distinct "whitish ring."
Does it bleed when you lose your virginity? You may, indeed, bleed when you have intercourse for the first time. But it is not the tearing of the hymen that causes almost all the bleeding. The hymen can actually be stretched or torn with hardly any blood appearing. This is because the hymen is small, and the blood vessels that supply it are so minuscule that if only the hymen is torn, you would barely see any spotting.
Nevertheless, you might bleed during your first intercourse. Not from the tearing of your hymen, but from micro-tears caused by the first penetration.
Bridegrooms are typically not very knowledgeable about sexual matters (unless you marry an older man, which, by the way, is not a bad option). Thus, your new husband is very likely to attempt penetration before you are properly aroused. Chances are that you are too nervous to be aroused at all.
If it is your first time having intercourse, especially if you are not properly aroused, the delicate mucosal tissue inside the vaginal canal will likely tear in several spots. While the hymen itself is only slightly attached, the mucosal lining of the vaginal canal directly covers underlying tissue. This lining is nowhere near as resilient as the skin on the exterior of your body, and if it is not properly lubricated, it tears very easily.
Therefore, the bleeding that occurs during your first night is usually from the blood supply of the tissue under the mucosal lining of the vaginal canal. It is not from the hymen.
If you are in a culture where a bloodstained bedsheet is considered absolutely necessary, intentionally inflicting wounds on your own genitals or using harsh astringents (like sirih leaves) to cause severe vaginal dryness and tearing is highly dangerous and can lead to severe infections or permanent tissue damage. Instead of self-harm, women in these situations often resort to safer methods to fake the blood, such as hiding a small vial of animal blood or using artificial blood capsules on the sheets.
In many traditional societies, there are few young men who are knowledgeable about sexual matters, and their judgment on whether a woman entered marriage as a virgin will often depend on whether she shows signs of pain, and whether there is blood on the sheets.
If initial intercourse with your husband is not painful and you do not naturally bleed, relying on hidden fake blood or a small, safe cut on a non-sensitive part of the body (like a finger) is a much better alternative to satisfy cultural expectations without risking severe damage to your reproductive health.
Did you have sexual intercourse before your marriage, perhaps with a previous boyfriend? Should you tell your future husband that you are not a virgin?
The answer is: NEVER.
Why should you? Your husband-to-be will not know unless you tell him. I have never heard of a bridegroom inspecting his bride’s genitals to see whether she is still a virgin. Anyway, to see any physical difference at all, such an inspection would have to be done in bright daylight or using a strong lamp, just as gynecologists do. The woman would have to be in an elevated position with her legs spread wide.
And even then, only someone with specialized medical training could attempt to make a judgment—and even doctors cannot reliably do so.
So, what if you are brought to a doctor to be examined for a "virginity test"?
Medically speaking, a doctor cannot definitively judge whether you have had regular intercourse or not. The idea that a virgin's vagina "closes tightly" while a non-virgin's "appears as a hole" is a myth. The vaginal walls naturally rest against each other, and regular sexual intercourse does not permanently alter the size or appearance of the vaginal opening. Only vaginal childbirth significantly changes vaginal laxity.
Even if you have had intercourse occasionally before being brought to a doctor, you can insist that you never have. The physician cannot be sure. While some women have a prominent hymenal ring, others are born with very little hymenal tissue, and it naturally stretches or wears away through non-sexual activities like sports or using tampons.
Furthermore, the physician may not be as unethical as the relatives who insisted on the examination. He may have more goodwill towards you. So, insist firmly that you have never had sexual intercourse. Chances are that he will attest that you are a virgin, or at least state that the exam is inconclusive, even if he suspects otherwise.
The examining physician will definitely ask you whether you have ever had intercourse. If you answer yes, then that is what he will report, even if he wishes you had said no.
Why? Because during the examination, he will likely not be alone with you in the room. There will often be a nurse present, or your mother will be standing nearby. So, when you are asked whether you have ever had intercourse, just say: NEVER.